And so we watch and so we learn/With eyes wide for our dreams to yearn

Posts tagged ‘thinking’

Intentions

They say actions speak loudest and words are for naught
When evidence remains cold, but I’ve always thought
Intentions, honest meanings…don’t you see?
We can all have reasons that don’t show plainly

Do what you must, you can say what you will
I trust you – I do! – I know you mean well
How I feel is arbitrary, malleable still
Your intentions are what hold, no matter how the dice fell
Surely it’s rational, to seek perspective and grow?
I think that it’s healing, to try and understand
Where you’re coming from, why you acted so
So I can mould my story like the palm of my hand

That I can curve to yours, a shake or caress
I know you, I trust you, I love you and yes
Sometimes words can hurt, sometimes actions sting
But when intentions are good, how could I ever bring
Myself to feel anything but compassion for you
When I believe what you mean is to be constructive and true

I never see a reason to hate you, begrudge you my pain
Because that I can nullify, and love you all the same
And please forgive me, if these rhymes are too cheesy
It’s late and my head hurts and poetry’s not easy!

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A Study in Friendship

Some people may be asking; ‘Why don’t you write about any of people in your life on this blog? You certainly talk about yourself a lot.’ Well dear imaginary inquisitor, a) many of my friends know about this blog b) it’s rude and weird to discuss them on a public forum and c) petty opinions and gossip aren’t worth the screen space.

That being said, I have some really awesome friends. I’ve been privileged enough to make a lot of them, although keeping in contact with the non-English speaking ones has been more difficult than I anticipated. [Shoutout to them; ¡Perdón! Estoy escribiendo cartas a mandaros.] And, what with the combination of a writer’s and a student’s curiosity, I find my friends rather fascinating. Because I’ve known some of them for years, it’s actually fantastic, watching them grow. Watching new interactions and reactions at certain changes in our lives. Fathoming those who I don’t quite understand. Which makes me sound really creepy, but I’m not, honest 😛 Everyone’s different little idiosyncrasies make for fascinating character study – it also means I have to be careful not to personify them in my writing, which is harder than it sounds!

And everyone is so diverse. Dealing with anxiety, dealing with boy drama, dealing with not meeting the asian standard for school. Extroverts and introverts, discussing sexuality or playing toddlers, or debating with pomp and grandeur ridiculously opposing opinions on something entirely bizarre and useless. They way people circulate, react or behave around others, think about how deeply that’s influenced by their home life, their origins.

I flatly refuse to give examples that are specific enough for identification, but let me just say how awesome it is, how different we all are. Gruff girls who are secretly romantic softies but don’t you dare say so in public 😉 Arrogant boys who are insecure, and then watching some of them strengthen. Or when the nuances of a friends grey moral policing is explained. Hearing other people’s incredibly divergent childhoods, in London or rural south america or slums of poverty. Or, what about the concepts that hold weight in their decision making – I know friends who have spent their life as the smartest kid in their town, another who doesn’t know the meaning of hope – or can you imagine living life without any sense of security? Growing up being told that a fundamental part of you was wrong. Or having an incredible aptitude for art or guitar, that they always had. Or someone who’s core values were so opposed to mine that we spent a year arguing, a year banging heads until both of us learnt and changed drastically. Watching little ones grow from babbling toddlers to serious pre-teens.

People are fascinating. My friends are intriguingly wonderful. And I hope that compliment is huge enough so that they don’t mind my curiosities! XD

What Do You Speak, & Why?

There’s a cliche going around on the Internet, things like ‘I Speak Fandom/Hipster/Gallifreyan/Elvish’ etc. Building off that, I think I’ll take the liberty to add some personal observations of my own:

As well as Fandom, I speak, to my level of learning: spanish, biology, chemistry, sociology, mythology, literature, art and some forms of technobabble…
I have also found that I can speak travel enthusiast, mature light conversationalist, teenager and 5 year old child. 😛
I can speak calculatingly, flirtatiously, quietly, brashly, argumentatively, wisely, considerately, engagingly, with a large variety of people from very many walks of life.

And yet, somehow I barely understand australian.
My hindi is better than my bogan.
And I do not speak gossip-girl
or shallow
or vindictive
or weak-willed.

I have a very hard time speaking in a way which suggests a lack of interest, curiosity or ambition in life, and in that find some of my fellow classmates very difficult to connect with beyond the lightest layers of conversation.

It’s odd, to see what a difference escaping your environment can make. When I look around my classroom, there are those who stand out and those who do not – but alternatively, there are those who speak with maturity and those who do not. Indeed, it must be recognised that this is an environment where being hilarious, liked or admired > being mature or responsible. But even so, looking around and seeing so many small people, some who barely know how to think, barely seem to go beyond the caricatures they have been placed in, making the general remarks expected, trying only as hard as expected, being interested where expected…

I am probably being judgemental in forming these opinions. I barely know the majority of the people who surround me each day at school, not to a depth where I can understand them. But, even so I cannot help wondering, how they will be one day; when life has taken them through more, after they had to harden, be stronger, think with reason and sensibility. I find myself looking forward to seeing them at a reunion in 5-10 years, hearing their stories as they matured and developed and stabilised and struggled and succeeded and settled. Because, despite being in the last years at those school, with those who are soon to be called Adults, I only look around and my mind screams ‘Babies! All of them!’

Am I a baby too? Possibly. Probably. They all will have experienced things I have not, just as I have learnt things they have never had the chance to. But that being said, I can count on one hand the students in my year who I know are like me; those who have learnt to live with the protective wing of their family far away, and they do have a distinct air to those otherwise.

Living alone changes you. Facing the unknown without support hardens you. Growing up will always challenge you, and just because you can legally vote now does not say, in a million years, that you are in any way prepared for what’s coming next. And do you know what? That’s okay! Because we’re all gonna keep adapting too.

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Of Truth, Reality and Life

What is truth? What is reality? People have asked these questions for hundreds of years, thousands of generations of searching and yet, we don’t know – do we? The minute we try to capture time ,it slips away from us, each second lost even as we process them. Think you can trust the solid earth beneath your feet? We’re clinging to the surface of a pea, hurtling through the universe, held together by laws of momentum and gravity, things too big and too small for us to properly even imagine. Everything we thought we know and believe is true, it’s a lie. Everything will burn one day, whither and die and be lost in the passing of time, everything is incredibly temporary.

I wonder often though; Is knowing all this good? How can we know the facts we’re discovering are real, not just the latest in flawed hypotheses. They believed that the earth was flat for thousands of years, and that seemed perfectly logical. And why shouldn’t it? We’re not gods, watching the universe it all it’s magnificence unfold. We are so small, in such a small world, so blind and dim and fumbling still, full of stupidity and mistakes, destruction in the name of creation.

And yet…we are more than just that. We dare to see beyond what our forefathers dared, we go even further with our minds and bodies and souls. We can never know all there is to know, and yet we keep trying. Isn’t that incredible? We never stop, never cease trying, because we want to know what’s out there, whats out there to know. We are barely learning to look after after ourselves and yet we’re making hops and skips and leaps and bounds all over in the most ridiculous places. We’re reaching for the stars, at the same time we’re fighting to keep half our world from being destroyed and/or dying. Life truly is full of contradictions, isnt it? What one person may know as the true word of god, the truth meaning behind a painting, another woman has a completely different and completely true knowledge and idea of the same subjects.

What is space, what is sound, what is time? And in the end, who really cares? It’s not as if we’re able to be certain of the answers anyway! Searching and discovering is wonderful, but remember that it could all be a complete fantasy, a ruse and completely invalid. I think if people went through life with more of that mentality people would take things less seriously, lead better lives, find something new, something good. Because there’s always something more to find.

Sit By the Fire and Think

I sit beside the fire and think
Of all that I have seen,
Of meadow-flowers and butterflies
In summers that have been;
Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were,
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see.
For still there are so many things
That I have never seen:
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green.
I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago,
And people who will see a world
That I shall never know.
But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door

Tolkien again, I believe. Stumbled across it and just, oh yes. Yes yes yes. Doesn’t it just feel right? Pensive and contemplative, comfort and curiosity, what will happen, what could have happened, what did happen and why? Dreaming of then and now and all in between. It’s the sort of poem that goes with comfy couches and long thoughts, a slow ticking grandfather clock, a darken window reflecting the lamplight.
This, reader, is a poem written to be savoured.

Coasting

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Pretty, huh? This is Puerto Madryn, located on the southeast coast of Argentina and yes these are photos off google (because I haven’t had a chance to get my camera card to a pc yet) so you’ll have to take my word for it that I’ve been there and seen it. Recently, too. If I wanted to be flamboyant I would have given you the leaping whales and perfect beach front photos 😛 But no, these two are much more real, much more what I saw and loved and lived when I was there.

For those who haven’t been; it was gorgeous. Incredible. Amazing. The Southern Right Whales go there because the gulf is relatively warmer than the Antarctic and thus a better environment to raise their calves. In winter the bay is full of them, sightings of those awesome (in the old literal sense) and magnificent mammals becomes commonplace. It’s also a great location to mine aluminum, despite water needing to be aqua-ducted from the river a while away. So today it’s a beautiful growing prosperous little city.

I’ve got a piece I’m not quite done writing, about our environments and how they affect us, but I’ll save that for later. But they do affect us, short and long term, superficially and deeply. 90% of the worlds population lives on the coast, and there’s really no surprise why. It’s beautiful, the ocean, beautiful in every weather except a hurricane 😛 Water and sun and sky and rocks and sand and clouds and space and salty breezes… Many countries, like Argentina and Paraguay and Bolivia, Austria and Hungary, Kazakstan and Nepal and Mongolia, and a large percentage of people in India or the United States, live inland, rarely seeing beyond their hills and horizon of land.

For many people, to be by the sea isn’t natural for them, they crave the lands they grew up in. I’ve been living in such an inland place, city life in a valley between hills, for 9 months, and I’d spent the two months prior to that living on the paradise-on-earth that are the tropical islands of Indonesia. There’s quite a difference, and you feel it strongly after time wears on. Many of my fellow beachers-living-inland had strong emotional reactions to seeing the ocean again, and to be frank it was lucky I had already been to the beach a few weeks prior because after 9 months away from such a huge part of my soul, I literally cried, tears of such profound homecoming emotion. Because for many of us, the ocean is part of our lives. I can’t help wandering, what is it about these coasts that draws us? Is it the way the water reaches as far as the eye can see, twinkling in the sunlight with its constant motion, peaceful restlessness and impossible blue that crashes hissing white foam onto the edge of our territorial land? Is it how the sky arches endlessly over it, celestial azure, space and light and freedom? Is it the wind, the smell of salt on the breeze and the crunch of sand beneath your feet that nothing may grow in but many grow above, as the sand that starts on the edge of mother earth and slips under the bottomless blue where worlds live and grow?

All I know is that I love it, with every single fibre of my being.

Growing Up

Do you know what’s interesting? How people grow up. How people think. Just, imagining back when you were 7 or so. (For some that’ll be merely a handful of years, for others the dinosaurs were still evolving :P) But, remember how grown-up you felt? Like you were big and could handle anything. And then when you were 12. Leaving primary school/being in middle school and starting to look at boys and going out and doing things by yourself. Most definitely grown up. And looking at the 7 year old babies, how so much less mature they were. And then there’s you now, at whatever age you happen to be in. To quote Andrew Blake who probably quoted it off someone else, “You’ve never been as old as you are today.” or something like that. And it’s true. Things happen in your life, over the years, change your mind and how you perceive the world.

We, as individuals, are constantly changing, the same way a teenage boy is constantly growing – and although its difficult to measure in small doses, and easier to see after large intervals of time. I think maybe that’s part of the reason teenagers get so cocky; because they’re thinking new thoughts with bigger, opener minds, and they can see that they are, and how much more similar they are, and independent, from the ‘Adults’. So, they start thinking that they’ve matured Enough, and that they should be treated the same as The Grown Ups. I don’t blame them, everybody wants to be important, independent and treated like a grown up – even 7 year olds. But that’s the thing I’ve been coming to realize. It’s not that simple. There isn’t ever any stopping point, a marker that says Done. There’s always something more, wisdom experience or understanding, that matures you that much more. Think about the Adults in the world around you – sometimes, they too have nofuckingidea what to do, what to say, or what the solution is to the curveball life’s thrown at them. 😛

It’s like those head-spinning physics theories, about 7th and 8th + dimensions. They could quite plausibly exist, but it’s incredible hard to imagine the idea of existing with extra dimensions, simply because we have no idea what it could possibly be like. Our minds cannot fathom an idea it has never encountered, it can’t imagine something so alien to anything it knows. There’s been examples made, of 2 dimensional and three dimensional worlds, but for more modem world examples; try and ask a lifelong nun to describe the sensation of French kissing. Or a man to describe the pain of giving birth. Or even a child who has lived on a farm inland all her life to describe the ocean in all 5 senses. It’s impossible. Not their fault at all, and I’m sure there are things a celibate nun has experienced that a boy-happy teen party girl hasn’t. But that’s the great conundrum of life really, getting more, be it experience or wisdom or understanding. Or maybe I’m just an a-typical Ravenclaw 😛

Back to the point though – we can’t imagine anything beyond what we’ve already experienced. So how can we imagine or be any wiser or more mature than we already are? Simply put, time. Just keep living, living life to the full, living and experiencing as much to the full as you can. And accept that there’s still more, that there’s always things you don’t yet understand. Yet.