Why do we need to care so much? Why do we need to talk to people and get involved in their messy lives and make ours messier? Why do we need to need others, let them matter so much to us, when the end of the day, they end up hurting us? Why do we consider that the more people a person cares or is cared about, the better they are? Do we really need to be so interdependant? People hurt each other, people mess up each other, raise hopes and let them down brutally, accidentally or not. We get distracted for a while when something shiny and new comes along, something that catches our eyes or tugs our hearts, and we chase it for a while. But then, it withers and is gone again, the pattern repeats itself over and over again. Are we really that stupid? How is growing these emotions of ours in any way good? They blossom, full of hope and joy and love, and then something goes wrong. Something always goes wrong. And it burns. All gone, down the rubbish-hole and start from scratch, again. When is it ever enough? When do we learn to stop?!? How do we know that this golden sunshine we search for isn’t fools gold, a shiny bauble on a string daring us ahead, tempting us onwards, a false hope that we somehow live for, live through all this useless, senseless pain! What is the point? Why haven’t we ever just …let go?
Posts tagged ‘relationships’
Teenagers. We’re all searching for something, finding something to search for in that time between being a ‘kid’ and being ‘grown-up’. Something changes inside us, something seems to be missing, lacking, empty, not right. It doesnt matter who we are or where we are in life. Sure, we can think that, but if you really look around, really, we all are the same. So alone together, bound together and breaking apart, like a shoal of fish in the ocean, a swirling mass of individuals fighting and searching for something, within ourselves or in the world around us. Some people search for love, for intimacy, for success where they were taught by their parents and teachers that it matters. Some fight for a cause, rebel against the laws structured around us, searching for a better time, place. Others look for that place in booze, in drugs, in sex, in fighting, on the internet or buried within other worlds, striving to be different, to find that utopia our senseless souls promise us exists, to fill the hole we sense inside, around us, as we awaken, like butterflies blinking blearily only just learning how to see and feel the world around us, emerging from the chrysalis.
The greeks had a legend, saying that when humanity was made we had two heads, four arms and four legs. But when the gods saw how incredible these being were they were afraid, and cut the in half and now people spend their entire lives searching for their other half. Which some people do. But just look at our society. Our lives don’t have perfect fittings beginnings, ends, or halves. Too many divorces and broken marriages to pretend – if humans were made to have true-life partners, we would have been monogynous like penguins. Fall in love, boom, thats it, your life has just been signed, sealed and delivered. But we’re not. We don’t find that perfect match as soon as puberty finishes messing with our bodies. We don’t – we keep searching, trying boundaries, testing and exploring unknown waters, searching for Something Better. Its what makes us human! Some may argue that they don’t look, they stick with what they’ve got. Thats still, finding, making, trying to create something better, with what’s in front of their eyes or how their eyes view whats in front of them. Always trying to find It.
But what is it? This thing we crave, unknowingly throughout our life. Some seek it in fulfilment, in actions and deeds and achievements. Others call it God, or variations thereupon. Love, joy, cheap thrills, danger, adrenaline, enlightenment… but when your heart rate returns to normal, its gone. A memory, a fading glow inside. So back we go, like wildebeest, trekking across the savanna to that unvisionable destination as the predators attack periodically as we stray across their territory, heedless of dangers, if only we can reach that perfect paradise that somehow we’re so certain of its existence. Fighting, living, thriving, searching, testing, daring, trying, questioning, breathing. What for? Why should we? What is the point? Because we are human, and that is what makes us what we are. “Fumbling in the darkness with unseeing eyes” – and yet still searching, because our souls tell us that there is more. More for us, more of life, more meaning and feeling and fullness.
Now, I may be just a teenager, thinking naive wandering thoughts;
Discussing such ponderous things as death and eternity, reincarnation, matamphychosis, libertinism, suicide. Pretending that the books we read were nothing to the ones we would write ourselves one day. Talking of life as if we had experienced it to the core.
But, still. Its my mind and its our world and maybe, if we think and share and speculate enough, maybe, maybe, we could understand a little more, and see the world a little clearer. Maybe 🙂
BECAUSE, Siobhan forgot to mention that she’s also my sister. And rather a brilliant writer in her own style, which you shall hopefully see within the next few weeks quite thoroughly. This isn’t a community blog or anything, just two female humans living life on this planet earth as best we can. And hopefully with us both writing, we’ll egg each other on to write better/more.
But, its 2.45 am and not much can be said without a headspace you do not gain without coffee, inspiration, or tumblr. So, reader, I leave you with a poem bold of heart and strengthening of faith. A poem right of mind and left of vanquishability.
A poem that stirred the unquenchable spirit of those all across the globe, from my very own sister to Nelson Mandela himself!
…Okay, enough theatrics.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
~ by William Ernest Henley
If one does happen to come across one’s second-closest mate – well, the second closest out of the ones who live anywhere near you at the present time – who happens to send you a particularly romantic song declaring his love for you, things that I would recommend you not do in the presence of your other best mate who witnessing the whole event (with an unholy amount of glee):
- Not say much
- Let the sender end the skype call without getting proper questions answered
And, above all do not, under any circumstances, complicate things any more by revealing any sort of other complicated hidden-secret emotions that you might possibly have which might include:
- An inability to reciprocate your friend’s newely-revealed emotions
- An unwillingness to do anything that might hurt said friends feelings
- Any irrepressible or undeniable feelings for your other best mate
-and kissing said unknowing best mate is generally considered a bad form of telling him how you feel
That being said, it was a very nice kiss 😄
Did I mention I have 60 hours left on this continent?
Welcome to my life 😛