And so we watch and so we learn/With eyes wide for our dreams to yearn

Posts tagged ‘friends’

Elemental Extremities

They say when you’ve reached
The farthest constellations of despair, just breathe.
They say when you’re stuck, improvise.
Get creative, do something new.
There I was, knowing every variation of new.
I thought I could understand it all, before this began.
Life made sense – it did!
I fit in the world.
Live it all now. Grow, change, explore.
The greatest achievements are the ones expected by no-one
I suppose by my rules, that makes us spectacular?
Except, by you
You play by a very different game.
Dedication and sacrifice, focus and discipline.
You knew where you belonged, where you were going.
Achieve, fight, thrive.
Stone when I was air,
Fire when I was water.
Work hard and plan, you say
Smile and laugh, just live, I say.
And I’d warn you, of your pride too proud
You’d chide me in return, my ideals to loud

Between a rock and a hard place
A roaring, clashing chaos, the ocean met land
Swirling water and unforgiving stone
We were always two worlds, fighting to coexist.
I puzzled over you, fought for you
Fought with you, in excess
Too much, hours of time
An avalanche and an onslaught
Clocks struggled to stabilise, as with the rising of the moon
The tides would turn,
The sea would rise to meet stone again
As new ground, old ground
And ever changing terrain was swept over

“Never healthy”, you said
“Don’t care”, I said
If opposites attract, then maybe we are the same?
Magnets of the same polarity
Drawn together inexplicably, pushed apart violently
Too close and yet not at all
Each bound to their tethers
Never truly meeting
Never truly parting
Alien textures of the other, explored with curious fingers
Of words, snatching what we can in each interaction
Taking and giving and sharing and baffling…

You are more than I ever imagined was possible to exist
And you are less tangible than any cloud to sweep my horizon.
I am too different to function in your world,
And you are too defiant to function in mine.
But I know, that one day
You will burn your name onto every stone on your path
That ever lead you, to greatness and power
Just as, in my own way,
I will seek to weather and round the edges of my paved journey of curiosity
Just a hop, skip and a jump away
Along softened stone, my feet will tread
A very different path to yours, this we have always known

So yet,
Even if we never speak again
Even if I never hear your voice, or shake your hand
I think maybe, just maybe
I’ve helped, to smooth out some of your edges
To soften your path, no matter where you go
Just as I know you have helped forge me
And
Your name will always be burnt, on the inside of my skull
Long after you have left my present and future
Each taking a piece of the other with them
Long after the ocean leaves the rocky shore.

A Study in Friendship

Some people may be asking; ‘Why don’t you write about any of people in your life on this blog? You certainly talk about yourself a lot.’ Well dear imaginary inquisitor, a) many of my friends know about this blog b) it’s rude and weird to discuss them on a public forum and c) petty opinions and gossip aren’t worth the screen space.

That being said, I have some really awesome friends. I’ve been privileged enough to make a lot of them, although keeping in contact with the non-English speaking ones has been more difficult than I anticipated. [Shoutout to them; ¡Perdón! Estoy escribiendo cartas a mandaros.] And, what with the combination of a writer’s and a student’s curiosity, I find my friends rather fascinating. Because I’ve known some of them for years, it’s actually fantastic, watching them grow. Watching new interactions and reactions at certain changes in our lives. Fathoming those who I don’t quite understand. Which makes me sound really creepy, but I’m not, honest 😛 Everyone’s different little idiosyncrasies make for fascinating character study – it also means I have to be careful not to personify them in my writing, which is harder than it sounds!

And everyone is so diverse. Dealing with anxiety, dealing with boy drama, dealing with not meeting the asian standard for school. Extroverts and introverts, discussing sexuality or playing toddlers, or debating with pomp and grandeur ridiculously opposing opinions on something entirely bizarre and useless. They way people circulate, react or behave around others, think about how deeply that’s influenced by their home life, their origins.

I flatly refuse to give examples that are specific enough for identification, but let me just say how awesome it is, how different we all are. Gruff girls who are secretly romantic softies but don’t you dare say so in public 😉 Arrogant boys who are insecure, and then watching some of them strengthen. Or when the nuances of a friends grey moral policing is explained. Hearing other people’s incredibly divergent childhoods, in London or rural south america or slums of poverty. Or, what about the concepts that hold weight in their decision making – I know friends who have spent their life as the smartest kid in their town, another who doesn’t know the meaning of hope – or can you imagine living life without any sense of security? Growing up being told that a fundamental part of you was wrong. Or having an incredible aptitude for art or guitar, that they always had. Or someone who’s core values were so opposed to mine that we spent a year arguing, a year banging heads until both of us learnt and changed drastically. Watching little ones grow from babbling toddlers to serious pre-teens.

People are fascinating. My friends are intriguingly wonderful. And I hope that compliment is huge enough so that they don’t mind my curiosities! 😄

Broken Branches

Once upon a time there was a bird. She flew in and found herself somewhere new, an aviary full of strange and exotic creatures- some dark, some as bright as stars, some faster than the wind, others with amazing hearts, in every hue and shade under the sun. Among the amazing throng, there was a falcon, a raven, a turtledove and a rainbow lorikeet, all of whom enraptured her mind, heart and soul in different ways. But the falcon became too dangerous for them both and one day flew away for good. The raven was wiser than the little bird, wiser and older and more solemn, beyond her minds reach, as she learnt painfully with time. She grew to love the turtledove and it’s closest companion the lorikeet, until the latters distinct differences parted them, although they always had a close mutual friend, as a bond. The raven was always just out of arms reach, and she lived knowing that he was well, and the falcon flew overhead once in a blue moon, if she was lucky. Even as she lost the lorikeet, the turtledove was her closest companion and their mutual care for each other kept strong and warm. Until one day, when everything grew cold and the turtledove flew away for good, beyond where the little bird could ever be again. And so our little bird looked around at herself, at this aviary full of life and yet without those she loved and craved the most, and realized. That without them, she didn’t have a clue what to do next.

You know what, aviary? I’m done with you. I’m done with trying to keep up, trying to matter, trying to find someone reliable to be there for me, someone I can be there for as well. You are all amazing, but as the falcon said once; “Never have an online diary”- Never trust someone here so explicitly. Try not to trust anyone explicitly if you can avoid it, unless you’ve got a bloody amazing sibling or family member. Friends break like the branches of a plant, should you apply enough weight on them for too long. Plants – they can grow and you can become fond of them and make each other smile, but they aren’t there to build your roof over your head, or the net to catch you from falling. Something always breaks eventually. The universe is truly futile, the same as trying to keep a post important on the internet for more than 2 minutes. Life will get over you fast, so get over it. I sure hope I have.

You know, as kids we always dreamt of having a Best Friend Forever who we’ll always have to trust and love. But it never lasts, does it? So I’m abandoning that idea for good. Being spontaneous, hugging one person without explaining why that’s keeping the tears from your eyes, talking about a piece of the problem with another, spreading the little things and keeping the big ones buried. Nobody wants to hear your crap. I still want to be heard though, desperately at times, but it seems like nobodies listening. Well, I gotta deal with that. But I’ll do it my way. I’m not clinically depressed or addicted to too many things or under a physical ailment or asbergers or bipolar with a dozen suicide attempts under my belt. I’m not abused or scarred or oppressed or dying. But I’m still allowed to feel my own pain and have it mean something to me. Do you hear me, world?!?!?!? Do you?!?!

I didn’t think so.

Time and Space

22 months. Not so long, and yet ages and eons and more. Lifetimes will pass, until the tomorrow when It happens. I know it will – because it must. The dream that I hold onto when the relentless wearing of school tires me, I’ve envisioned it so clearly its as if I could reach out and fall into it, as if it was only a small piece of time and not at all space that was my barrier from it. As if it would be the easiest thing in the world, to drive to the airport and catch a plane, to watch my country slip away from a window at 40,000 ft. To escape my world for the thrill of another, to land somewhere so wonderfully alien and wild, the source of all my dreams; India. Oh india! I can almost feel it, the heat and the smells and the sounds, the crowds of people and the hum of irrepressible life! No matter how wild or chaotic, my face would stretch to a grin that would split my face, my eyes huge as I try to take it all in. Forget your home, forget the tidy suburbs where you grew up in, embrace the universe and get swept away in its magnificence! It’s all there, I can feel it calling to me, reaching and tugging me, soul first, body second. 😀

First stop; the airport. The heat hits you as soon as you step off the plane. The rest is quick to follow, a tidal wave of noise and movement. Crowds of black headed men, colourfully draped women – dark eyes, teeth and tongues busy to add to the conglomeration of voices, noises, music, the ocean of languages and accents foreign to my ears. The signs pasted on the the walls, the floor a maze of busy feet, a jungle I must wade through and fight to find my own way. I could, would – and will!

And then, I’d see him (or her). Either at the terminal or outside, at an address or outside somewhere. In the sea of a strange new world, I’d see a familiar face, one I knew as well as any of my family, and yet never have seen a day in my life. They’d be there, right there!- after years of Skype and whatsapp, messages on Facebook, flung across the Internet and through the world of cyberspace. But not anymore, not when they’re living and breathing… I’d made it, I’d really made it, they were right there in front of me. Heart racing nerves, thrilled adrenaline, excitement, joy, giddy glee, all bubbling out of me – I know it will be, because it already is just thinking about it! I’d call out their name, watching their face, recognising me, oh, to bowl them over in a hug, or to handshake formally and pompously – eyes shining either way – meeting for the first time, and yet knowing each other already, so much.

It’s so far away but it’s the most amazing thing, that I physically cannot wait for. To go to The Most exotic and amazing country in the world is a dream in itself, but to be in such a world, with people I know and love, friends to whom this world belongs! To hear and see him laugh, to watch her draw it right in front of me, to actually be there, know them, know their world! To go somewhere new is always daunting, but – can you imagine? I’d be like Ariel when she got her legs, asking endless questions about the silliest of things, trying it all, reacting to them, and have someone to laugh with me and show me something more! It seems impossible, sometimes, to imagine existing somewhere that’s so different, and yet I know people who do, who can teach me! What an adventure it would be, to get to know people, friends, and worlds, that have existed only on the screen of my mind for far too long. People I will one day reach out and touch, play guitar with, sing with, fuss over and laugh over, grin and hug and talk and run with, through the marvellous today that hasn’t come yet.

You and me, time and space. Oh, you watch us run.

Luthien and Beren

Luthien and Beren. ~> de Deathen. Shush. Read it.

On Matters of the Heart

If one does happen to come across one’s second-closest mate – well, the second closest out of the ones who live anywhere near you at the present time – who happens to send you a particularly romantic song declaring his love for you, things that I would recommend you not do in the presence of your other best mate who witnessing the whole event (with an unholy amount of glee):

  • Hide
  • Blush
  • Stammer
  • Not say much
  • Let the sender end the skype call without getting proper questions answered

And, above all do not, under any circumstances, complicate things any more by revealing any sort of other complicated hidden-secret emotions that you might possibly have which might include:

  • An inability to reciprocate your friend’s newely-revealed emotions
  • An unwillingness to do anything that might hurt said friends feelings
  • Any irrepressible or undeniable feelings for your other best mate
    -and kissing said unknowing best mate is generally considered a bad form of  telling him how you feel

That being said, it was a very nice kiss 😄

Did I mention I have 60 hours left on this continent?

Welcome to my life 😛

Changes

He sat in front of the screen
Another day passing,
Another day in his world of grey
He sat and posted, linked and shared
She watched him living and despaired
Does he know how much I care?
How much I need him, but how I don’t dare
To reach out, to heal him, hear him smile
How my heart breaks if he’s gone for a while
He was the one who was there from the start
He always will have that place in my heart
But something has changed, twisted, gone
A veil is up, something is wrong
The worst is I know, understand why
What he really needs and wants is not I
So I’ll dry my tears and let it go
Giving up after this time, coz I know
There’s nothing anymore that I can do
Although what I wish, I cannot dare
Only watching, hoping, this pain can I bear?
But I must, only wishes I now send to you
There’s nothing anymore that I can do

….Yea. I wrote this, again, a while back, for/about (obviously) a mate of mine. Who’s name doesn’t need to be disclosed. You can imagine the emotions running behind this, and while it’s now basically moot and merely history, it’s still a decent poem. This’s the thing about me; give me a strong emotion, something bubbling and bursting and pushing inside of me, be it pain, joy, love, fear or any of the more complex, and it usually ends up taking the form of poetry, after I’m done letting out some of the steam by playing my guitar/listening to music. So I’ve got quite an array of poetry stored up from the past few years – I’d much rather be able to write music, but. Enjoy and cultivate the talents you were gifted with. Expect more poems from the past popping up!

N/B: Because the title got it stuck in my head, go listen to Changes by David Bowie and Butterfly Boucher xD