And so we watch and so we learn/With eyes wide for our dreams to yearn

Posts tagged ‘feelings’

Bacterial Colony

Like gremlins, there is a feeling
Growing, living ‘neath my skin
Breathing organisms of unspoken truths
Alien to kith and kin

Begun as secrets hatched inside
Hidden valves of heart and spinal bone
Carried, warded, fostered close
How strange, to feel what’s outward unknown

X-rays would display it all perhaps
What initially blossomed between
Clavicle and sternum, held in every breath
Jaw tissue, heart and spleen

It grew to my extremities
Fear held the muscle of upper arms
Hands clench holding words and souls
Tension between scapulas, tenderness in palms

Until it bubbled beneath the surface
And scabbed, itching to be torn free
To expose raw skin, still sensitive, pink
For a relief worth all the anxiety

They say we contain multitudes
Bacterial cells numbering mine
But they never speak of feeling them
Each one, awareness over-refined

Through gestation I knew to keep them deep
I understood fragility in chrysalis form
But now imago has been finally reached
But now, I simply want them gone

Love’s Labours

Falling in love is like a bicycle
Always so easy to feel the thrill, exhilarated
Rushing down those hills when you start off again
It’s a dream and an idea, a warm jacket that feels like a hug
So easy to put on, wrap around, lose yourself in

It’s never the same, each time,
But there are patterns – the familiar swoop of your internal organs
As they leap to catch your heart
Beating so fast in preparation for takeoff
But they’re always too late – you’ve gone and fallen again…
Whoops

I’ve been falling in love since I was in kindergarten
All I remember then, was of that boy with such a special smile
Now, it’s something so natural I’ve taught myself contingency procedures
Not just in theory, but the patterns and behaviours needed
Just to get off this rollercoaster…relatively unscathed

It’s never easy, though
The universe is still ruled by physics;
Once momentum is achieved, to halt is to…hurt
That’s the beauty of polyamory, demiromance, bisexuality
You can love, healthily love, so many
Balance yourself, tightrope underfoot
Between the spidersilk threads holding you in stead
Crisscrossing your heartstrings, support in case one snaps

That worked, most of the time
Not with you though
You were the warm blanket I always wanted to wrap myself up in
The texture just right, between soft and strong
I was never afraid I’d lose you
It never crossed my mind that we wouldn’t have…something

Funny, how our dancing act goes
Combined, we perform as easy as breathing
Natural and powerful, our pH is perfect
But we’re not the only variables, not really
Although we did a damn good job of pretending, didn’t we?
It got to be that I could rarely sleep without burying myself in the security of your affection

Oh, the illusions we build, art thou marvelous
We danced so perfectly we forgot where we were
Or at least, I did, for some time
Dreams are so easy to fall into
Once I trusted you fully, I didn’t want to stop falling
But, as gravity dictates, we must
It wasn’t flying – there was that thud of reality
That hit, eventually; forcing you to pick yourself up
Jarred, scarred, but not regretful
Never regretful, for having lived, having loved you
Known you, shown you, as you showed me
The stars
Constellations that linked my joy with your smiles, and our kisses…

I guess I can’t wear it as my lullaby each night, now
But your heavy coat of hugs and hope still lies in my closet, you know
Just in case destiny decides, and fate provides
Us with the chance, to try it on again
And maybe this time… it’ll fit just right

In Which I Really Need To Make Travel Plans

There is not enough said
About longing for a new home
For the places you haven’t been to
For the worlds you haven’t known

There is not enough said
About yearning calls over the sea
Life you can so clearly imagine living
If you could only just be free

There is not enough said
When your town is the back of your hand
And you ache to find your other pieces
Buried with hearts in some other land

For when you know the feel of home
In a place every detail strange
There is joy to be found in unfamiliarity
And reassurance in change

And when you find new friends and love
In a world still foreign when you leave
You have to wonder; “Why the fuck did I go?”
“I need more time to live, to breathe;

“To find my rhythm in curiosity
With enough memories made to fill
What’s missing inside me – that exploration
And new discoveries I know surely will.”

For home is where the heart is,
And mine is big enough for the world to share
Now my problem isn’t finding all those places, though
But the monumental task getting there

Having a Coke with You

Frank O’Hara

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it


And in reading this I know that I love you. That the mere minutes, every shred of time I have been blessed enough to have, to know you, watch you smile and hear you laugh, are never going to lessen in value for me. You are golden, beautiful, human masterpieces, flawed and real and vivid and confusing. And I love you. I will always love you, all of you, and I will never stop thanking the stars for the chance I had, to know you.

The underlined parts are the parts that I most found moving and profound, just because it seems poetry can be read either as a whole, or as a collaboration of words seeking to connect with others who feel something as well.

I hope that maybe, maybe, you felt something, too.

 

Lost & Found

Reaching out to the stars, I am eternally minute
My spirit filling all, the empty ache fully grown
Embracing the universe
Reaching out to my loved ones
Emotional connection without words
Parts of me across the spinning earth, bound by memories, lingering in emotion
Tales told of them and then and what has been – strands of the universe
Spun together, I am the spindle
Tightly wound, insubstantial and strong
Made of all I hold dear, the impressions of scattered stars marked where only I see
Constellations made by my own journey across the universe, invisible to the world
The lives of everything dance in silent symphony
Of stories many will never know

The glimmering of the past flickers across my eyes
Blurring the now with all that was and will be
Destabilizing my presence, I am pulled, a leaf in the storm
Swept up by the winds of time
Screw the orchestra, let me only conduct
To view and witness and carry with fullness
The lives of others, so much greater to feel
Greater to know, such vividness that is to be
Very human, oh so human
Wicked, benign, careless – deep, impromptu, flawed
Take my life, let me only watch!
To grasp the movement outside all keys
Feel the universe in every fibre of my being
Drifting along the strands of time
Finding any and all which glow

The lively life of the living
Has never been so
Alive

Dreaming

It’s easy to forget, sometimes. My world, that is. The rooms around me feel so arbitrary, a safe house, a still point in time – a place of dormancy between journeys, where nothing truly remarkable happens. It is merely a space that can be relied on, for its simple existence. Home, the shell which holds us, a location of healing and preparing, of resting…and waiting.

Still ’round the corner there may wait/ A new road or secret gate;
And though I oft have passed them by/ 
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run/ 
West of the Moon, East of the Sun

It’s easy to lose your sense of presence here, because how could you focus on the stillness when you know what is happening?
Babies are being born and old grandmothers are speaking fierce words to their loved ones – people are risking their lives to save those who cannot save themselves, young ones are learning, expanding their minds, dreamers are dreaming, adventurers are adventuring, people are dancing, writing music, poems, inventing and discovering, crossing uncharted rainforests, taking specimens from the floor of a volcano, looking for life on the bottom of the ocean – a million languages are being spoken, a thousand cultures are breathing…

I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again – cross the sky and seek out the Great Perhaps. One day I’m going to as free as a migratory african swallow, and I will see it all. One day I will cross the oceans, arrive at places I have only been able to dream of. One day I will shoulder everything I need to live, chase the setting sun and find new worlds. One day I will stand on top of a mountain, dance on foreign shores, look upon the face of the raw wilderness in the animal kingdom, sing exultantly under blue skies that stretch to every horizon. One day I will turn around, take a breath and say “Hello Danielle”. One day I will look on the emotive faces of those I have never known truly before. One day the future will be the present, and everything will fall into place. One day I will chase away the scattered cobwebs that stretch over my mind in the idleness of everyday life, and I shall know every inch of this beautiful, marvelous, impossible world.

But until then…I am 16 and bound to the life of school and suburbia. Until then, I study and I help my mother with chores. Until these days come, 16 months – 508 days must pass, in the sanctuary that holds me here, binds me to this small small pocket of the universe. It will be, it must be, one day I know what I will be. But for now…I am here.

The Problem being Demiromantic

… is that you always fall for people you’re already incredibly close to. Your profound feelings for your best friends lies on the side of a very fine line to your profound romantic feelings for other people. And you don’t fancy people for their looks or preliminary behaviour. You love them for their heart, which makes their face and mannerisms all the more meaningful and wonderful to you. You fall in love with their soul and goddamn that makes things frustrating when you have amazing wonderful close friends who you care about deeply and oh did I mention that I’m bisexual? 😀

I bloody love everyone, but just… figuring out how is the difficult bit here. 😄 Because I care about loads of my friends so much, and I feel for them all right to the core, to the point where I can’t even tell what kind of heart strings are getting tugged. I genuinely love him and her and them as well but *repeated headdesk* is it possible to love someone deeply, platonically and yet find them sexually appealing?

NB: For those who aren’t familiar with that term, demiromanticism is a branch of the romantic orientation side of things. Because sexuality isn’t decided only by what your pants like, but also by what your heart likes. So you can have a heterosexual male who’s aromatic, or a bisexual female (like me) who’s demiromantic, meaning I am more drawn by my emotional connection to people than whats in their pants or personality. Although those do still come into the equation 😛