And so we watch and so we learn/With eyes wide for our dreams to yearn

Searching

Teenagers. We’re all searching for something, finding something to search for in that time between being a ‘kid’ and being ‘grown-up’. Something changes inside us, something seems to be missing, lacking, empty, not right. It doesnt matter who we are or where we are in life. Sure, we can think that, but if you really look around, really, we all are the same. So alone together, bound together and breaking apart, like a shoal of fish in the ocean, a swirling mass of individuals fighting and searching for something, within ourselves or in the world around us. Some people search for love, for intimacy, for success where they were taught by their parents and teachers that it matters. Some fight for a cause, rebel against the laws structured around us, searching for a better time, place. Others look for that place in booze, in drugs, in sex, in fighting, on the internet or buried within other worlds, striving to be different, to find that utopia our senseless souls promise us exists, to fill the hole we sense inside, around us, as we awaken, like butterflies blinking blearily only just learning how to see and feel the world around us, emerging from the chrysalis.

The greeks had a legend, saying that when humanity was made we had two heads, four arms and four legs. But when the gods saw how incredible these being were they were afraid, and cut the in half and now people spend their entire lives searching for their other half. Which some people do. But just look at our society. Our lives don’t have perfect fittings beginnings, ends, or halves. Too many divorces and broken marriages to pretend – if humans were made to have true-life partners, we would have been monogynous like penguins. Fall in love, boom, thats it, your life has just been signed, sealed and delivered. But we’re not. We don’t find that perfect match as soon as puberty finishes messing with our bodies. We don’t – we keep searching, trying boundaries, testing and exploring unknown waters, searching for Something Better. Its what makes us human! Some may argue that they don’t look, they stick with what they’ve got. Thats still, finding, making, trying to create something better, with what’s in front of their eyes or how their eyes view whats in front of them. Always trying to find It.

But what is it? This thing we crave, unknowingly throughout our life. Some seek it in fulfilment, in actions and deeds and achievements. Others call it God, or variations thereupon. Love, joy, cheap thrills, danger, adrenaline, enlightenment… but when your heart rate returns to normal, its gone. A memory, a fading glow inside. So back we go, like wildebeest, trekking across the savanna to that unvisionable destination as the predators attack periodically as we stray across their territory, heedless of dangers, if only we can reach that perfect paradise that somehow we’re so certain of its existence. Fighting, living, thriving, searching, testing, daring, trying, questioning, breathing. What for? Why should we? What is the point? Because we are human, and that is what makes us what we are. “Fumbling in the darkness with unseeing eyes” – and yet still searching, because our souls tell us that there is more. More for us, more of life, more meaning and feeling and fullness.

Now, I may be just a teenager, thinking naive wandering thoughts;

Discussing such ponderous things as death and eternity, reincarnation, matamphychosis, libertinism, suicide. Pretending that the books we read were nothing to the ones we would write ourselves one day. Talking of life as if we had experienced it to the core.

But, still. Its my mind and its our world and maybe, if we think and share and speculate enough, maybe, maybe, we could understand a little more, and see the world a little clearer. Maybe 🙂

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